Mr. Belvedere

Mr. Belvedere - or Doucher as I like to refer to him as - is someone who came into my life a little less than a year ago. Closeted, involved in the same type of work that I do, Republican, and for some reason I find him very attractive. Don't get me wrong...he is cute. But not typically the type of guy that I would normally find attractive. Think Charlotte and Harry from SATC. And of course, I am Charlotte.

Witty banter, sexual tension and political arguing somehow make it work. Whatever IT is. I don't know. We have something. Something special. Is it love? I don't know. I don't know if it is possible to love someone who lets you down on a regular basis. Not sure if it's possible to love someone that you have only slept with a few times. The sex was always fantastic. And that's important to me. I get self conscious...I'm gay for Christ sake. And sometimes, it is difficult for me to find that sexual chemistry with someone else. But we have it. Doucher and Skinner.

Unfortunately, seems like it is doomed to fail. Long distance relationships with someone who is closeted and a Republican, wants children and who will likely not come out of the closet, no matter how many carrots you dangle in front of the rabbit's face, does not seem like something that will end in a fairy tale romance with me being swept off of my feet and hand delivered an AMEX Black card.

Why do I continue to entertain someone who consistently lets me down, forgets to call when he say he will, puts me at the bottom of his totem pole on the important people in his life, and the list could go on and on and on and on...??

Simple. He entertains me. I get bored easily, and he makes that boredom go away. I do have very genuine feelings for him, but in the same regard, we both want such different things in life. And his naivety is what spawns what he wants and doesn't want. He does not know what it is like to be a gay man in the South, and nor does he know what it is like to have been taunted and bullied while growing up and in high school (likely because had we lived in the same town, he would have been the one saying the hurtful things to people like me).

Mr. Belvedere. Can't live with you, and can't live without you. He - of course - will play a role in this blog, just like he plays a role in my life. You will hear more about him. And maybe he will decide to do something beyond romantic one day for me and truly sweep me off my feet. No...it does not have to be a Black AMEX...but a simple gesture to show that he cares about me like I care about him would mean more than the world to me.