If you don't stand for something...

I have decided to take a stance. Mr. B. and I talked on Saturday and traded a couple of text messages on Saturday night, followed by one or two on Sunday morning.

I was in a really weird mood Sunday morning. It was a combination of depressed, sad, exhausted, anxious, rage, frustration etc. But none of it positive. I have just been working so hard lately, and frankly feeling beyond tired. I was irritated with Mr. B. and decided that I was tired of me ALWAYS being the one that picks up the phone to call and take that initiative. I just felt like the only time that he would call would be when he was returning one of my calls.

This is a perpetual feeling, mind you. I always feel like I am the one trying to make something work. I am always the one that is putting up the fight, and again on Sunday, I had had enough. I put my foot down and decided not to call him, and would wait for him to call me.

Thank goodness I wasn't holding my breath, cause I would have died while waiting for him to call. No phone call Sunday. No phone call Monday. Pathetic text message on Monday evening that read something about why was I being a stranger and he missed me. Sounded like BS to me, so my response was that he could dial my number just as easily as I could dial his.

No response. No phone call Tuesday. I emailed him something asinine that I thought he would think was funny this morning. Immediate response. See, if I take the initiative, he responds. But I don't always like taking the initiative.

I want someone who wants me. And badly. I want someone who gives me everything that I know that I deserve. I want a fighter who will fight for my attention and my time. I want someone who puts me high on his totem pole of importance.

I just don't know if Mr. B. is ever going to give me what I want. Being bored and wanting to be entertained by him can only go on for so long.

So, I have decided to take a stance. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. I am not going to reach out to him any longer. If he wants something, he can try getting it himself. No more giving myself to him without him giving something of himself to me - TIME.

Mr. Belvedere

Mr. Belvedere - or Doucher as I like to refer to him as - is someone who came into my life a little less than a year ago. Closeted, involved in the same type of work that I do, Republican, and for some reason I find him very attractive. Don't get me wrong...he is cute. But not typically the type of guy that I would normally find attractive. Think Charlotte and Harry from SATC. And of course, I am Charlotte.

Witty banter, sexual tension and political arguing somehow make it work. Whatever IT is. I don't know. We have something. Something special. Is it love? I don't know. I don't know if it is possible to love someone who lets you down on a regular basis. Not sure if it's possible to love someone that you have only slept with a few times. The sex was always fantastic. And that's important to me. I get self conscious...I'm gay for Christ sake. And sometimes, it is difficult for me to find that sexual chemistry with someone else. But we have it. Doucher and Skinner.

Unfortunately, seems like it is doomed to fail. Long distance relationships with someone who is closeted and a Republican, wants children and who will likely not come out of the closet, no matter how many carrots you dangle in front of the rabbit's face, does not seem like something that will end in a fairy tale romance with me being swept off of my feet and hand delivered an AMEX Black card.

Why do I continue to entertain someone who consistently lets me down, forgets to call when he say he will, puts me at the bottom of his totem pole on the important people in his life, and the list could go on and on and on and on...??

Simple. He entertains me. I get bored easily, and he makes that boredom go away. I do have very genuine feelings for him, but in the same regard, we both want such different things in life. And his naivety is what spawns what he wants and doesn't want. He does not know what it is like to be a gay man in the South, and nor does he know what it is like to have been taunted and bullied while growing up and in high school (likely because had we lived in the same town, he would have been the one saying the hurtful things to people like me).

Mr. Belvedere. Can't live with you, and can't live without you. He - of course - will play a role in this blog, just like he plays a role in my life. You will hear more about him. And maybe he will decide to do something beyond romantic one day for me and truly sweep me off my feet. No...it does not have to be a Black AMEX...but a simple gesture to show that he cares about me like I care about him would mean more than the world to me.