Old Man Dilemma

So, I know that I am constantly saying that I want a Sugar Daddy who would just take care of everything for me - and give me a Black AMEX that I do not pay the bill on. But what I am supposed to do when a situation (not quite of this magnitude) presents itself to me?

Let me start here. Krug is someone that I work with - not directly, but in my profession - and we interact a fair amount. I have know since I was in my last serious relationship that he has had the hots for me. He has pursued, and I have always declined his advances. This has been going on for several years now. We remain friends, and colleagues, but it has never gone further. Bear in mind that he is married, with grown children, in his 50s and is successful. Not multi-millions successful, but well off enough.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago.

I was slightly inebriated one evening and sitting on the couch scrolling through my phone trying to find someone to entertain me. I happened upon Krug's number and decided to call him and shoot the shit with him. He told me he was out of town on business and then I recall saying something along the lines of "wishing someone would just come and whisk me away".

A couple of weeks ago he texted me out of the blue and the text message listed several places - New York, Las Vegas, Bahamas etc - and for me to pick one for my requested "whisk away". I told him that was sweet of him, but it was not necessary to do that. We exchanged texts for a little while and ended it with him telling me to pick somewhere and he would book the tickets.

Last night, he called because he wanted to know what my decision was regarding the trip. I told him I didn't know and that I had not really had a chance to decide yet. He reiterated that I could pick anywhere that I wanted him to take me, he would pay for the plane tickets, a nice hotel room and all of the expenses while we were there.

And then he followed up with: "How do you feel about fooling around with an older guy?" I told him that it didn't bother me all that much, but in hindsight, I am not sure if I could go there with him. He all but professed his undying love for me and told me he has always had a thing for me etc. Nothing against older guys as I don't typically date guys my own age, but I am not sure if I feel the same attraction with him that he feels for me. I feel as though if I were to go, I would end up doing something that I might not necessarily want to do, but would be a little more fine with doing under the influence of alcohol.

If I were to go, I would feel like I was taking advantage of him. Or if I did and ended up fooling around with him, I think I would feel cheap. Part of me thinks I should take him up on his offer and whatever happens, happens. But I also know that he is likely expecting something to happen.

I also worry about what this could do for our work relationship and where things would stand after the trip. But on the other hand, it could actually be a lot of fun, I could discover some kind of sexual attraction to him that I didn't know exists and a hell of a good time could be had from here going forward.

So, I am faced with an OLD MAN DILEMMA. And I do not know WTF to do.

Advice?


- Skinner

Sorry for the lameness

I was going to post regularly and then something called work and an election got in the way of things. So, to begin this post - which hopefully turns into a more regular posting - here is the inevitable Blogger apology. I am sorry for not posting, I have been busy, yadda yadda yadda...

I am in a funk right now. It is really a combination of so many different things that are going on. It's almost like a case of the PSD - Post Session Depression. (I work in politics and the legislature has a 60-day legislative session where we work and are going 90 MPH for the two months and then everything come to a screeching halt and it is a weird feeling of what to do now.) Don't get me wrong - I do truly enjoy my life and friends - but I just feel down right now.

Let's examine my life:

1. Home - never there. I travel too much for work and am never home. NEVER. I enjoy writing those checks each month for rent, cable and utilities when I barely even use them. Can you detect the sarcasm?

2. Work - I work too much. If you know me, you know this about me. I love my job, the people that I work for and with, but sometimes I just want a break from all of it. I want a day to go by where I do not turn on my Blackberry or my iPhone. A day where I do not check emails, text messages, PIN's, missed calls and voicemails. I am a little married to job and we are about to celebrate our three year anniversary.

3. Romantic Relationships - what's that? I am turning into the re-virginized Virgin Mary it feels like it has been so long. As much as I want to be in a relationship right now, my work and travel schedule wouldn't allow for a relationship that would be fair to the other person. I know this to be true, but sometimes it seems so hard to accept.

4. Friends - this is about the only thing that is always going well. My friends are the best - always there for me no matter how far away we all live from one another. LYMIDEC you all.

5. Family - can I skip this one? (Side note - I have been working on a post about my dysfunctional family and whenever it is finished, I promise to post...)

I just don't feel HAPPY right now. Yes...there are things that I do that make me happy, and I am still a smiling, happy go-lucky person...but overall, I just don't feel that overall happiness that we all strive to have in life.

Enough with the complaining. Things will turn and the funk will be over soon. I just needed to vent a little bit. I am feeling better already. More posts to come.

And although I know I don't have tons of faithful, devout, loyal followers of this blog yet, but what do you want to read about and see on here? I am trying to keep this somewhat anonymous - so face pictures are out of the question. But what about content? I need to find some stock photos to add to the blog to jazz it up a bit.

What do you think?

Skinner

Connect the Dots

Craigslist. The website alone provides me with endless hours of sheer entertainment. I have found so many amazing treasures on that website. From the used 7 1/2 ft. white Christmas tree, to the vintage Lucite mirrored bar cart, to the underprivileged 14-year old autistic girl that we made Halloween happen for her and her family one year, the vintage bowling ball and bowling ball bag that I gave Goose for his birthday, the apartment that I currently live in and so many other great finds.

Craigslist offers something for every person. It seriously does. From one man's trash being another man's treasure, to people asking for rides to and from wherever they are trying to go, to my all-time, personal favorite --- the personals.

Craigslist Personals - MFM, MFW, WFM, MMFW, WFW,(etc...) strictly platonic, miscellaneous and the best category of ALL time, the elusive...Missed Connections.

Missed connections are those missed opportunities in life where you thought you may have had a connection with someone out in a public place, but neither of you acted on it and you have kicked yourself in the ass so many times to the point where you decide to post on Craigslist and declare that you actually wished you had exchanged numbers with that person or even said more than hello, or winked or anything.

You post something ridiculous like: "I saw you at 'x' place. You were wearing 'y' colored shirt and had 'z' colored hair and a tattoo on your wrist. What was I wearing? Tell me something about you or me that ensures you are who I locked eyes with. I thought we had a connection after I saw you at 'abc' place."

I try so hard to have a missed connection. I wink, nod, smile, and twitch just to get a cute guy's attention when I am out in public. And then race home and check missed connections to see if anyone "missed" our connection. Alas, none. And I travel a lot for work, so I am constantly checking all of the cities and counties that I visit to see if they happen there.

But the BTL is that they don't ever come to fruition, but they do provide me with hours, upon hours of bliss and entertainment. It brings me joy to know that others out there are looking for the person that they thought they may have connected with. And some of them may actually connect. I wonder if any of them actually end up meeting up. They may, or they may not.

I should actually just start acting on mine. But it can be difficult being a gay man and not knowing if the person you are eye fucking actually wants anything from you. I guess that you will never know until you reach out and go for it.

Next time that you think that you may have missed someones subtle - or not so - signals that they were dropping for you and neither of you approached the other, check out Craigslist Missed Connections in the city nearest you. Maybe it's there. You never know if they might be your future Mr. (or Mrs.)

If you don't stand for something...

I have decided to take a stance. Mr. B. and I talked on Saturday and traded a couple of text messages on Saturday night, followed by one or two on Sunday morning.

I was in a really weird mood Sunday morning. It was a combination of depressed, sad, exhausted, anxious, rage, frustration etc. But none of it positive. I have just been working so hard lately, and frankly feeling beyond tired. I was irritated with Mr. B. and decided that I was tired of me ALWAYS being the one that picks up the phone to call and take that initiative. I just felt like the only time that he would call would be when he was returning one of my calls.

This is a perpetual feeling, mind you. I always feel like I am the one trying to make something work. I am always the one that is putting up the fight, and again on Sunday, I had had enough. I put my foot down and decided not to call him, and would wait for him to call me.

Thank goodness I wasn't holding my breath, cause I would have died while waiting for him to call. No phone call Sunday. No phone call Monday. Pathetic text message on Monday evening that read something about why was I being a stranger and he missed me. Sounded like BS to me, so my response was that he could dial my number just as easily as I could dial his.

No response. No phone call Tuesday. I emailed him something asinine that I thought he would think was funny this morning. Immediate response. See, if I take the initiative, he responds. But I don't always like taking the initiative.

I want someone who wants me. And badly. I want someone who gives me everything that I know that I deserve. I want a fighter who will fight for my attention and my time. I want someone who puts me high on his totem pole of importance.

I just don't know if Mr. B. is ever going to give me what I want. Being bored and wanting to be entertained by him can only go on for so long.

So, I have decided to take a stance. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. I am not going to reach out to him any longer. If he wants something, he can try getting it himself. No more giving myself to him without him giving something of himself to me - TIME.

Soundtrack of My Life

It is so interesting to me how certain songs bring back certain memories and fill you up with emotion - all based on the meaning that the particular song has for you. And it totally varies for each song what memory it is that we attach to it.

For example, I cannot listen to Modest Mouse's "Ocean Breathes Salty" without thinking about driving back from the beach, kinda drunk with a brown paper bag wrapped forty in between my legs, (I know...thought it was a good idea at the time, but clearly wasn't) windows rolled down and the sunroof open, feeling sun kissed and singing along with the words at the top of my lungs with an ex-boyfriend. Every time it comes on the shuffle, this is the exact memory that I have.

And Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA". Every time that I hear that song, the memory that immediately comes to mind is sitting in some queer bar in some random town in Florida with Mr. B watching some God awful drag queen wear a horrible outfit and fake looking blond wig while performing terribly to the song. But we had so much fun singing along with it and poking fun at her. The song had just come out and was beyond popular with the gays.

That was the first time that Mr. B and I kissed. We were getting a little drunk at the bar. I instinctively knew that he was gay. For Christ's sake, he had been pursuing me for weeks. But he had never once said that he actually was gay. Before we went out to the bar, I told him it was a queer bar. He had no objections. He had just driven almost two hours to come and see me. Of course he was gay. I planted one right on him at the bar. And I am sure proceeded to make it with him. It was the first night that we hooked up too. No sex. Just fooled around...very drunkenly fooled around.

Each and every single person that I am close with has at least one song that has one distinct memory attached to it that is etched in my mind forever. Every time I listen to MGMT - it's PP. Goose? I don't think that a 12 disc CD changer would be able to hold all of our songs. I made a soundtrack for our matching tattoos. Of course we have music together. "I'll Fly With You" is totally Bellini. I don't know why. Maybe cause we rocked out to it in her car while parked in front of the Doubletree Hotel before we went into the club. Literally sat there and jammed out, singing at the top of our lungs and dancing in our seats. And VSC has too many songs to list as well. She is in same category as Goose.

Songs bring back such a distinct memory for me. Maybe it was the first time that I heard it, or something momentous happened while it was on in the background. It could have even been a mundane experience, but each time the song comes on the radio, or on a commercial on TV, or on my iPod, it triggers that memory that is planted in my mind forever. I could list so many more songs, and many more memories - most good memories, but some bad and sad ones thrown in there as well.

I just really enjoy music. Who doesn't? My current faves are simply the soundtrack to my life. And truly, if only cameras were following me around and inserting popular or my favorite music as interludes a la "The Hills" or any other MTV reality show, my life would be complete.

Is love right in front of me?

I have been contemplating this for the past few days. What if I have found the love of my life and I didn't realize that they actually were that person? Is it possible that the love of my life is right in front of me, has been for a while, and it is just now resonating with me that this is the ONE?

I don't even know why I bring this up. Actually, I do. A couple of people have brought it up to me lately, but I just laugh it off.

But then the other night, I announced loudly that I had a revelation. And the revelation was that maybe I am in love with this person. The response from Bellini and VSC? "That's not really a revelation. Everyone already knows that. We are all just waiting for you two to act on it." Well played Skinner, well played.

Of course, after downing one two many cocktails that evening at the bar, I proceed to call Mr. B. and left him a 39 second voicemail. I "allegedly" - and I use the term allegedly because I have not yet listened to said voicemail - professed my love to him and told him that he was the only one for me. He of course is being persistent and doesn't want to drop the topic in daily convo and has to continually ask me if this is how I truly feel about him. My response? OF course I love you, I just don't know what kind of love it is yet.

Is it the Savage Garden "Truly, Madly, Deeply" type of love? I don't think it is. Is it a friendship type love? That's there for sure. Or is it something in between? The latter is the most likely scenario. Something more than friends but less than the "head over heels in love" type of love.

I also had to let Mr. B. know that prior to my calling him, I was not wearing any shoes but still wearing my sunglasses, and was lying down in the park, begging my friends to just let me pass out there, while arguing with a homeless man about the legality of being able to sleep in the park that is a mere three blocks from my house. LMAO! Only me...

So, is love right in front of me? And who is it that I am truly in love with?

Mr. Belvedere

Mr. Belvedere - or Doucher as I like to refer to him as - is someone who came into my life a little less than a year ago. Closeted, involved in the same type of work that I do, Republican, and for some reason I find him very attractive. Don't get me wrong...he is cute. But not typically the type of guy that I would normally find attractive. Think Charlotte and Harry from SATC. And of course, I am Charlotte.

Witty banter, sexual tension and political arguing somehow make it work. Whatever IT is. I don't know. We have something. Something special. Is it love? I don't know. I don't know if it is possible to love someone who lets you down on a regular basis. Not sure if it's possible to love someone that you have only slept with a few times. The sex was always fantastic. And that's important to me. I get self conscious...I'm gay for Christ sake. And sometimes, it is difficult for me to find that sexual chemistry with someone else. But we have it. Doucher and Skinner.

Unfortunately, seems like it is doomed to fail. Long distance relationships with someone who is closeted and a Republican, wants children and who will likely not come out of the closet, no matter how many carrots you dangle in front of the rabbit's face, does not seem like something that will end in a fairy tale romance with me being swept off of my feet and hand delivered an AMEX Black card.

Why do I continue to entertain someone who consistently lets me down, forgets to call when he say he will, puts me at the bottom of his totem pole on the important people in his life, and the list could go on and on and on and on...??

Simple. He entertains me. I get bored easily, and he makes that boredom go away. I do have very genuine feelings for him, but in the same regard, we both want such different things in life. And his naivety is what spawns what he wants and doesn't want. He does not know what it is like to be a gay man in the South, and nor does he know what it is like to have been taunted and bullied while growing up and in high school (likely because had we lived in the same town, he would have been the one saying the hurtful things to people like me).

Mr. Belvedere. Can't live with you, and can't live without you. He - of course - will play a role in this blog, just like he plays a role in my life. You will hear more about him. And maybe he will decide to do something beyond romantic one day for me and truly sweep me off my feet. No...it does not have to be a Black AMEX...but a simple gesture to show that he cares about me like I care about him would mean more than the world to me.